Haha I can never get a pic with her not smug face. xoxoxxxxxxx This year has been one of the hardest of my life. Trying to get pregnant was a trial in itself, then having a baby with PKU and terrible colic/acid reflux and never sleeping almost threw me over the edge. Being sick every month and then getting a nasty case of mono when I literally got sick once every five years before having a baby just about put me over but when my dad was diagnosed with bladder cancer it all came tumbling down. Before I knew it I was being treated for mild post-Partum depression and major anxiety as well as mono of course. I had a nervous breakdown, I suddenly went from barely surviving to not being able to function. It lasted a whole two weeks. Once I recovered from my sickness and got my anxiety taken care of, my whole world opened up. I realized that I just needed some help and although I HATE asking for it, I did it anyway and it saved me.

Since then the depression has completely gone but the anxiety is something I think I will have to deal with for a very long time. I am naturally an organized, motivated person and have always been able to handle everything that has come my way up until recently when the trials came pouring down and drowned me in their massive waves. With my 31st birthday coming up next week, I have realized that life is hard for everyone, we each are given a different battle to fight, it’s definitely not how I wanted my life to be but it is what I am to endure and hopefully with a little more grace than I have been lately:/.

Since I have been feeling so much better these last few months, and more like myself, I have been trying to do fun family activities, make memories together and things that we can keep in our hearts. Scarlett has been the cause of much heartache and stress and also the most joy of my life. I look at her tiny hands covered in dimples and her toothless grin and can’t help but wish she would never grow up. I love her endlessly and deeply and no matter the sacrifice it has all been worth it.

I have learned once again that God loves me and cares, he wants me to become my best self through refinement and patience. He tolerates my complaining and forgives my pride and it is all I could ever ask for.

This berry picking day wasn’t anything spectacular but it was a memory with my silly, sweet baby and my tired but dedicated husband, thank goodness for them.

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It’s been a while since my last post and even longer since my last personal post. I’m not gonna lie, this motherhood thing…not that easy. In fact its one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I have hated the fact that I have been so miserable lately because she is so perfect and this is all I ever wanted but the reality of the situation is that we’ve had a lot of struggles. Her PKU, severe colic, acid reflux, terrible tummy bubbles and three month cold on top of the no sleeping thing has about killed me. But let me tell you something, I think the dark days just might be over. I have bought literally every gadget, medicine, homeopathic serum known to man (see list below), though some of them helped, it mostly just came down to time. Having patience is my BIGGEST weakness and learning it through no sleep and fussy baby has been very difficult. Not that she is the perfect child now but the sicknesses have almost disappeared aside from her PKU of course and she is generally happy during the day. She only wakes up 2-3 times a night now and I can FINALLY see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Admitting that I didn’t totally love being a mom was really hard for me in the beginning, I guess I expected to feel so much more fulfilled than I do. The monotony of changing diapers, feeding, consoling a crying baby and then fighting to get them to sleep over and over and over wasn’t doing it for me. It’s not that I didn’t love her and feel a deep bond with her because I truly felt that as soon as I met her and so, of course, it has been worth it. For some women, motherhood is everything they need to be fulfilled and for me, it is a large part but not enough. I realize I am mostly struggling with the transition from doing whatever I want, when I want and being a workaholic to doing nothing all day and feeling trapped inside because of the long winter.

In this severe boredom, I have realized two things about myself, one, that I need love to feel fulfilled. I am a very passionate person and finding someone to love me, (Tyler), and having people to love, (Scarlett and Tyler) has brought a great sense of confidence and joy in my life. But I am also very creative and I feel like it is the essence of my soul, without it, I wouldn’t be me, my mind and growth is expanded by the ideas that I am able to create and I need this every day to be happy. I know I am getting super deep/philosophical but it’s the only way I can explain the outlet that creativity brings to me. Finding the balance has been the real challenge of motherhood. I don’t have all the answers yet, and I probably never will but I do know that I appreciate my family, friends and neighbors more than I ever have in my life. The charity they have shown to me as I stumble through this stage in my life has helped me survive when I thought I had died and become a brain dead zombie, and helped me see a new perspective on parenting. God bless the good parents who care enough to stick it out.

Now for the Owlet shoot. As you can see we had a blast with this amazing baby company called Owlet. They captured the essence of our little princess, its moments like these that I want to remember. Video:   CNBC snip

– gripe water
– two acid reflux medications
-doctor brown filter bottles
-tight swaddle
-mylicon drops
-probiotics
-dock-a-tot
-rock and play
-swing
-peppermint water
-lavender oil
-humidifier
-sound machine
-black out curtains
-saline drops in her nose for breathing
-got her adjusted at the chiropractor
-went to the GI specialist at Primary Children’s
-went to the ENT
-did a chest x-ray
-Owlet
-let her cry it out!

The post Owlet Photoshoot and Baby Girl Update appeared first on Kirsten Kizerian - West End Girl.